I don't really want to make up a title for this...

It's 01:05 a.m. and I have just been thinking all night, haven't slept yet since this morning. I am thinking about everything I possibly can. Thinking of my little boy, my fiance, my life. Sometimes I wish it could be different. Let me go back to the beginning of my senior year in high school.

It's maybe a month or so into my senior year, bowling is going good, we hope to get enough girls to be able to compete in districts in the beginning of November and be about to go to states a week later. As it gets closer and closer to districts we have had girls come and go, which means no districts and states for us, well at least with districts we can participate in the morning round. It was so much fun competing at districts for the last time. Me and Marc have been talking, okay well really him. He was thinking we should break up because he doesn't know where we will be at the end of our senior year. He knows I want to get my AA at DSC and transfer to UCF and get my BA in Criminal Justice and work with FWC(Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission). He just feels that we will go our own ways.

I was able to tell him that no matter what we will always be together. Then a few weeks later we get the news that I am pregnant, although just a few days earlier we went to the fair and I went on rides not really knowing whether I was or not, thankfully I didn't suffer from a miscarriage.

We have been together for 3 1/2 years, and we have a beautiful baby boy who will be 9 months tomorrow (22nd).

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE both of my boys to death. I wouldn't change my life for anything. Although during my thinking, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if me and Marc did break up and we went our own ways, would we find our way back to each other? Would we fall in love with different people? If we ever got back together, would we still be the same? Or would we change? Would I get my degree in Criminal Justice and work for FWC? Or would I have gotten my degree then decided Military? Army? Navy? Marines? Air Force? I just can't help but wonder what my life would be like if we met but broke up like all my past relationships. Would I still be sitting here in my room listening to We the Kings, wearing an engagement ring on my finger, while a little 9 month old sleeps in his crib right next to my bed? All these questions, that I don't have answers for. Will I ever? Maybe, maybe not. I just can't help it, how would my life have turned out if it didn't end up this way? Would I ever settle down and have a family in the future? Would I ever get married? Would I ever live on my own?

All these questions, with no answers...but you know what, I LOVE my life the way it is. And the people in it.

XO Christine

Update/My baby boy!

It's crazy to think that this little boy right here will be 9 months in a week! There are only 99 more days until his 1st birthday. I've already started planning it, he is having a Winnie the Pooh theme birthday, already started pricing everything. I want to make sure he has the BEST first birthday ever! I don't even want him to turn a year old. Just no. Stay little forever please. :( But then seeing him grow up and learn new things every day are the best ever. I love to see him smile, even when he's grumpy because of teething! With him growing up this quick, makes me want another one. But I can't because I know I can't support another one. Honestly me and my fiance are struggling just to support him. And it sucks, it really does. I am almost done with my degree in Paralegal, I should be done by Summer of '15. Then hopefully get a job as a Paralegal, but I am still thinking of enlisting. I would like to enlist before his second birthday so this way I can be here for is second birthday, but we'll see. I really want to but I'm still not sure. The job I would like to get is 27D which is Paralegal. I just want to make sure that my son will have everything he needs in life and not have to worry.

Update

Well it's been almost a year since my last post, I'm sorry about that. I have been so busy with my son and college. My son was born on August 22, 2013 at 7:50 p.m. weighing at 9 lbs 5 oz and 21" long. My fiance missed his birth because he was at BCT for the Army. His unit was graduating Sept 12th from Ft. Jackson, me and our almost 2 month old at the time went with his family to go see him for Family Day which was held on Sept 11th, well come to find out the day before (Sept 10th) he wasn't going to be graduating, but was still able to spend majority of Family Day with us. We are no longer a Military family, he got Chapter 11 Discharge which is Failure to Adapt, and came home on Sept 27th. We had struggled till February of '14 until he got a job at Publix. He's been there for almost 3 months now, and I had a job at McDonald's for only a month before they let me go, which by all means yes I loved getting my OWN money, but I am so glad to be out of that HELL HOLE they call McDonald's. I got treated like such shit there it was unbelievable. Now I am back to being a stay at home mom with our beautiful baby boy who is now 8 months old! He will be 9 months on May 22nd. When everyone said that time flies by fast, I didn't believe them, but OH MY GOSH now I do! It's so crazy that he will be a year old this coming August, like seriously where has this time gone!

You know, my entire time of being a mom, I had no one to turn to but my own mom. My soon to be MIL hasn't been help, she rarely sees him, but then gets all bitchy and blames it on me that she never gets to see him. Um last time I checked, you have my phone number so you can call me whenever you're off. She expects me to ALWAYS call her, like NO! I'm busy 24/7. So if YOU really want to SEE him, then you can CALL ME. Why should I make the effort to go and see you when you don't make an effort as well. Two way street here. I have NO friends, I have NO friends who are mom's. I feel like I'm doing this alone, with no one to turn to if I need to. Yes I have my fiance, but even then I still have to fight with him EVERY day when we see each other to do anything with our son. He says that he will help more when he's older, like um NO, that is NOT how it works sorry. Not sorry. You are HIS father, I should have to ask you to do something for him, if you hear him crying then go check on him, if he's wet then change him. I shouldn't have to fight with you every single day. Yeah I understand that we don't see each other EVERY day, but when he DO see each other I expect you to help out with YOUR son! I will not do everything all by myself every single day even when we see each other. OH WAIT! I do that anyways. Yes I love you dearly, and everything, but seriously STEP UP. Okay yes I will admit, you have come a long way since you first came home to us, but it shouldn't matter to you how many times I ask you to change his diaper, or feed him, or check on him to see if he's okay, you should do it anyways. Stop complaining about changing his diaper a lot, GET OVER IT! I change his diaper 24/7. I feed him, I change his clothes, I check on him, I DO EVERYTHING ALL BY MYSELF when it's just me and him. GET OVER IT AND JUST DO IT!

Sorry for all the ranting, just had to get this all off my chest. Thanks for reading. Will hopefully keep up with blogs from now on.

XO~ Christine